Saturday, November 28, 2009

On my memory not that I can remember

For Thanksgiving and Christmas I was gonna write about the most memorable or forgetable depending on how you want to look at it.
I don't remember any thanksgivings while I was younger, the only ones that I really remember are the last few that I have been through.
I cooked a turkey and ham on the grill last year, made all the fixings, including  the deviled eggs and cranberry sauce.
I had it all prepped the night before, got up early, only to find out, the woman that I thought I dearly loved, was not even here.
She had taken off some time during the night, had someone pick her up, so much for the joys of Thanksgiving I thought.
I fed her son, and the rest of the people that did show up, as for me I was too upset to eat a bite.
She showed up three days later. So much for those memories, it was just a replay of the last eight in a row.

Funny thing, I thought I would remember more about Christmases, but I really only remember two.

The first one was when I was around eight years old.
We lived in San Antonio, Texas. Mom and dad were really strapped for money that year.
My sisters were politicing for the new Barbie dolls, and doll houses, and other toys as well.

Mom and dad bought all the toys they wanted, the tree had nothing under the tree with my name on it.
I guess the signs of disappointment showed in my face and actions, mom said not to worry, there was still time for mine.
 On Christmas eve, under the tree, there were all kind of wrapped presents with my name on them, I could hardly sleep that night.
When I woke, I ran to the tree and started tearing in, there were little toy cars and trucks all individually wrapped, there must have been around twenty of them.
When I got older I asked mom about that Christmas, and she smile and said that she remembered it. Her and dad, had bought those packaged sets, opened them all and wrapped them that way so that it would look like I was getting the mother lode, and it worked.
That is the only Christmas that I remember as a youngster.

When, I was twenty or twenty one, I can't really remember, I was still on drugs around this time. I was on a barge pushing boat working on the Mississippi River. We had a tow that left New Orleans, heading for Ohio, pushing around twenty barges. This is really hard physical work, but I needed the money.

On the river unlike the sea, you pass small towns as you travel.
You hear sounds of life, and see lights at night, it makes one start thinking about what is happening out there, and what am I missing, and why am I on this boat?

The depression sets in, all you can think of is better times, family, and getting stoned.
I told the captain that when we hit the next port, I was getting off.
I was informed, that there was not a replacement for me and that I would have to stay on.
Well, anyone that knows me or has ever known me, knows that those are restrictions, and I have never lived with restrictions. When we got to the port at Vicksburg, I got off, it was Christmas eve, no car, no money, and it was cold.

I remembered that a friend of mine from high school had moved to Vicksburg, so I looked up his number.
I called him and apologized for calling on Christmas eve, and explained to him what had happened, and what I had done. Not only did he understand but he also came and picked me up, gave me a place to stay, and fronted me the money for a bus ride home. Now that is a true friend.

I would love to say that I remember a Christmas with my children, but for the life of me, I can not remember even one. My memory has been in a shutdown mode, ever since I had the accident off shore, I remember things with th help of friends and family, but on my own I have very little recollection of most happenings.

I am tired now so off  to bed, will write more later.


  1. Hi Bob,
    I don't remember much of my Christmases growing up either. I think I have blocked mine out on purpose though. That must have been a very difficult Thanksgiving for you last year. It is so sad when bad things like that happen on a holiday. The memory of the holiday is forever tarnished. You have a remarkable ability to share your personal past and emotions. I haven't discovered how to do that yet. I am learning a great deal from you. I hope that this Christmas will be one of sweet memories and happy days for you.

  2. That was sad. I'm sure you had plenty of good times with your children, and they remember them. Nice memory on the Christmas and how mom and dad did what they could to make you feel special. You do have worse luck with women than I with men. lol!

  3. Bob, thank you for getting in touch. Please know that I am here anytime that you want to talk or just get things off your chest!
    Take comfort in all of your friends. You are one man that I admire very much, but I worry about your health. So, you look after yourself and get some rest. Try to take some comfort in all these people who love you so much!
    Big hugs and kind words! XX

  4. Bob, we had a long conversation about this last night, or very early this morning here! And you know my thoughts on this subject.
    You are still one of the most admired men in the whole of the Blogoshere, and my thoughts are with you. Now, you take things easy and get some rest! I can't be doing with you ending up in hospital again! So take good care of yourself, know that you are loved, and take a telling!
    Big hugs!


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